Congratulations! You’re married! They’ve finally stopped asking you when you’re settling down, who you’re settling down with, why it’s taking you so long, etc. In fact, by now people have even stopped judging how you looked as a bride, and have reached a consensus on how good or bad the food was at the wedding, whether they were attended to enough and whether you were too stingy with the return favours.
Finally, your wedding is old news. And you’ve survived.
Or perhaps, you are someone who has already moved to the next stage. You’ve had baby no. 1! You’ve survived baby no. 1! You actually have a life after baby no. 1! Congratulations, you’ve survived too.
But wait. There’s something new in store. That inevitable question – Koi Good News?
Yes, you can’t escape that. Not even you, with baby no. 1 safely tucked in for the night (after all, you aren’t done till you are hum do humare do).
So, how do avoid the unavoidable? Well, you can’t. That question is coming, whether you like it or not. So instead, prepare! Arm yourselves with these ten great comebacks for the next time you’re up against ‘Koi Good News?’
- Of course, aunty! Not mine, but I hear Kareena … (Let your voice trail off. Sound mysterious. At this point, they will all lean in closer, trying to catch every drop of this delicious gossip. Do not disclose anything. Do NOT specify who this Kareena may be. You could also use names like Sonam, Anushka, Deepika.)
- No Aunty, main pehle Europe dekhna chahti hoon. (Sound as sincere as Kajol from DDLJ. It’s the only bucket list they’re familiar with. Ask your spouse to strum a banjo in the background like Shah Rukh Khan.)
- Not mine, aunty. But I’ll just ask my husband. Maybe he’s got something to share?
- Good News? Honey, (call out to your husband), aunty wants to know what’s up in our bedroom! (Save this for the catty ones. Warn your husband beforehand lest he, not the aunty, dies of embarrassment).
- Bas aunty, time hi nahin milta. (Sigh loudly for maximum effect.)
- Yes, aunty! I finally found a cook! How did you hear of it? (Go on to describe this imaginary perfect cook. Throw in a few descriptions of the perfect dishes too.)
- (Appear angry) Do you know that according to BBC, in 14 years, India will be have the highest population in the world with 1.45bn people, expected to reach 1.6bn in 2060 and 1.5 bn by the end of the century. And you want me to contribute to this whirlpool of human beings that swamp my motherland? (Note: even if you can’t recall any figures quoted here, just make them up. Just keep using terms like billions & trillions so that they keep mentally converting them to crores and lakhs as you speak.)
- Koi Good news? Only bad news, aunty. Don’t you read the newspaper? (Tsk loudly and walk away, shaking your head. Look disappointed with her lack of knowledge about current affairs.)
- No, aunty. But if you have some good news, aap hi batayein. (Now nudge her naughtily.) Uncle is happy, no?
- No aunty, just gas. (Then rub your belly and pretend to concentrate really hard. Then breathe a loud sigh of relief. Rub belly again, look happier this time. Wait for her to walk away.)
Please note: None of the above have been tried by professionals. But if do you try them, let us know how it goes!